Overcoming Self Doubt
As a kid living in Kansas our family had a membership at the local swimming pool. During the summer we were there often and most of my favorite memories of that stage of my childhood were of our times at the pool. I'm not sure how old I was but I couldn't have been more than 8. My father had taken us to the pool one evening. He was encouraging me to jump off the high dive. I can't remember just why. I think it had something to do with swimming lessons and how I was too afraid to jump during the lesson earlier that day. I don't remember climbing the stairs, walking to the edge or even the moment I jumped, but I vividly remember landing. The pain that shot through my head was excrutiating. Apparently I landed on someone swimming under the high dive at the exact moment I decided to jump. Lucklily neither he nor I suffered horrible injuries. We were both shaken up. I never jumped off the high dive ever again. I wasn't afraid to jump. I was too embarrassed.
The thing about life is, we are presented with the proverbial "high dive" all the time. Whether it be changing jobs, heading off to college or even getting married, all of life requires risk and often overcoming fear. Maybe that fear is not founded on anything substantial, but maybe past experiences keep us from taking that leap. I've done many things in my life that I had never done before and not always with success. I don't like to fail and I don't like the mockery that comes with failure. I'm not talking about other people. I'm talking about the mockery that comes from inside. I am my own worst critic.
Part of the reason that I write this blog is because it helps me when I am going through things in my life that I have never experienced before. If you read it, then I hope it helps you. It is in the writing I find truths that I couldn't see until I started writing. This is one high dive that I have become comfortable jumping off and laying it all out there for anyone to read. I don't get a lot of feedback. Perhaps that is a good thing. I will have to say that when one of my posts gets read 50 times and no one hits the little heart at the bottom, I am disappointed. Now rush right down there and click it before you forget. Just teasing.
This week the 2024 Olympics began. I find it interesting that this imagery came to me when I'm not even watching the games. Imagine being an Olympic diver and having to be scored on your performace. The experts judge everything from the moment you begin your dive to the splash at the end. That part of the process would deter me from competing. You see, I'm a belly flop kind of girl. I'm not real graceful and quite awkard in this thing called life. If we were scored on life, I'm pretty sure my score would not be in the top five contenders. Thankfully God doesn't give us a score for each leap of faith we take!
I wrote on social media this evening that I felt like I was standing at the top of the high dive working up the courage to jump. For the last week or so I have felt stuck, not frozen in fear, just stuck. I'm at one of those times in my life where God has set before me a task, something new He has asked me to do, and I can't bring myself to jump. It isn't that I don't trust Him. It is that I don't trust ME.
I was on a walk this afternoon, talking to God about this and honestly He's been silent. Not the kind of silence where He is upset with me, but the kind of silence that you feel when He is looking down with that look that fathers get. I bet you know the one I'm talking about. It is a look that says, "You know what you need to do. I've got all day." I have a feeling its the same look that my dad gave me at the bottom of that long climb to the top of the high dive. He was not going to force me, but he knew it needed to happen and he was there when I screwed it up.
By now, if you know about my book, you will have deduced that this is about my hesitation announcing the release date of this amazing gift that God gave to me. I am standing at the top of this new "high dive" with all the fear I felt as an 8 year old at the public pool. We never really do grow up do we? I have jubilantly raced up the stairs to the pinnacle and then realized as I inched my way to the edge that the reverse 1 1/2 somersault with 4 1/2 twists I envisioned for this project, is probably going to look like the mother of all belly flops.
I talk about faith over fear all the time. Some things are easy to overcome, while others not so much. Everything we go through in this life including these high dive moments is God's way of teaching us not to fear, but to walk in faith and follow Him. I find it ironic that this theme of jumping by faith is actually central in the book that I have written. Perhaps that lesson was just meant for me.
So here I am, at the top of the high dive. I've climbed the stairs and I am looking out at the judges. They have gathered and are watching. Some are holding their breath and crossing their fingers. A few them have closed their eyes in prayer. A few have shouted encouragement and brought others to watch. I'm frozen at the top and in my mind I hear, "do this and it will be the biggest belly flop of your life."
I wave to those watching and give a pathetic smile. Then I look at the water. No obstacles on the way down. That's a good thing. No one swimming under the board, even better. No sharks, not yet anyway.
"Jump!" someone shouts. "We are ready."
I take a deep breath and take my place on the edge. Then I Imagine Jesus standing off a little ways from the crowd. I hear His voice, "Gini, eyes on me, you can do this." I look at Him and He at me. His smile tells me that even if I do a huge pool-emptying belly flop, He will be proud of the splash and brag on it for eternity.
So judges get your reading caps on. I'm going to jump. Just remember when you judge, this is not my book, this is HIS book. No pressure. Maybe I will just cannonball it and let everyone have a good laugh!
Philippians 3:14 "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
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